Battle of the Sexes: Hogwarts Style!
by ThistleL
Summary: AU. Warnings are in prologue. 5th year. A reality show is replaying all their episodes. I wonder why it's causing panic among all the Gryffindor and Slytherin alumni? This is gonna be fun...
1. Reality Show

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything and if I did I'd be writing a bit more how Hermione and Ron are apart of Harry. Actually, thinking that...

**Warnings**: Some slash, some femslash, maybe a trio, het and I think that's it. If anyone has a problem with a pairing or an idea mention it in a review or a PM. Unbeta'ed so you see any mistakes let me know.

**

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** _Hogwarts Style! _

_"Because of recent events, Hogwarts has signed a contract with the Daily Prophet and Living Arts Entertainment. However, they remain unaware in order to keep their school funded, they are going to appear on our new Crystalized reality show called: Battle of the Sexes! Revised!" _

In the year of 2006, many women and men do not remember the great Headmaster Albus Dumbledore with favor or cherish their Hogwarts memories. For they had been students during the time period of when the Battle of the Sexes first started filming at their school. The reason they're so scared and angry is because...

_"In 1996, when this was originally filmed we altered the students original sex! Boys were turned into girls and girls were turned into boys! However, we only have legal surveillance of the Gryffindors and Slytherins!"_

That was the reason why.

Dean Thomas stared at his Crystal (the muggle equivalent to a TV). They were re-showing it! He had children for God's sake! Nervous now, he made haste to his owl, Ball.

Scribbling out twelve different messages, that all read the same thing he called for his wife.

"Oi! Daphne! We have a bleeding problem!"

"What is it...oh my word! What in the name of Salazar Slytherin possessed them to re-air _**that**_!" Daphne Thomas formerly Greengrass screamed as she saw the Crystal.

"I don't have goddamn clue but I'm sending the word out." Dean snapped. "Turn up the Crystal. I want to be able to hear what that bastard is saying."

Mutely, she turned up the Crystal to the max while silently thanking God, Dean talked her into using a Muggle sitter.

_"In order for the two Houses to be changed back to the right gender they had to complete a list!"_ The host named McGavin announced._ "Now the Slytherin boys and Gryffindor boys or should I say girls? Were on one team while the other team was devised of the Slytherin Girls and Gryffindor Girls! Which ever team completed the list first was changed back! The losers however, would remain their changed gender for TWO years!" _

"Dean! Write all the old crowd! And tell them to leave their kids with Muggle babysitters and get their arses over here!" Daphne snapped as she watched McGavin talk more about the show.

"On it." Dean nodded.

"And tell them to pack overnight bags!" Daphne called out as her eyes widen horror.

_"And all in the space of the next few days! We will be playing the whole season of 1996!"_ McGavin crowed.

In over twelve different places in various countries people all about received an ominous letter that contained rough fully the same meaning:

GET YOUR ASSESS OVER HERE! THE NIGHTMARE IS RETURNING! LEAVE YOUR KIDS! AND AN YOUR PARTNER IF THEY WEREN'T FROM HOGWARTS. NO REASON TO MAKE THEM ASHAMED OF YOU!

In over twelve different places in various countries people started Apparting to one place, the Thomas Household.

"I got your letter!" Ron shouted as he appeared with a backpack. "It can't really be that bad, can it?" He asked weakly.

All he got were nods.

Soon, the other eleven appeared.

"Living room." Dean gasped as he walked into that direction.

The old crowed consisted of all the Slytherins and Gryffindors in Dean's year. Each year had their own people to alert in case of an emergency.

"Oh, SWEET MERLIN!" Pansy shrieked as her eyes widen in horror.

"Exactly." Daphne said a pale faced.

_"Now in order to not confuse anyone, we only put up the fifth years' names. We have their pictures of when the are the appropriate gender and when they switched. Now as the Muggles say, let the show begin!"_

One by one everyone dropped down in the Thomas's living room. The credits began to show.

In quick, catchy bold letters: **1996 Fifth Years** flashed.

It showed quick flashes of the Minster, Umbridge, Percy, Aurors, Goblins, books, quills, papers, and secret (that weren't as secret anymore) meeting places. Slowly, the moment they all had been dreading.

_Sevrevus Snape_ - it pictured him scowling over a student's shoulder and right next to the picture was a horrified woman who had her hair in her hands (which was sleek and shiny) and a small delicate nose.

_Minerva McGonagall_ - she was raising one eyebrow in speculation in the other photo it had her featured with a bottle of firewhisky in her hand and a glazed expression. She, well, he had pepper hair and looked tough, average height.

_Draco Malfoy_ - he was playing with his wand with a smug expression. In the other, (s)he was dancing in a short school skirt and blouse. Her blonde hair was flying everywhere and the lights were bright in the background. It looked like she was at a rave.

Everyone gave a collect of wince for the blond who groaned.

_Harry Potter and Ron Weasley_ - they were playing Wizard's Chess. In the other photo the female Potter was leaning suggestively over some man's shoulder. Her black hair was curly and she wore no glasses. Ron, however was in the same man's lap, straddling him. Her hair was light orange, straight as can be and her body was much petite.

Two groans could be heard as others shook their heads in either shock or amusement.

_Hermione Granger and Pansy Parkinson_ - the two girls were glaring at each other over a cauldron. The other photo, had the two in business suits and black sun glasses with straight, serious faces. Pansy resembled a Draco/Ron with dark brown hair. Hermione was a muscular young man with hair so short you couldn't style it.

_Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas_ - the two were lurking around the girls' dorms. The second captured moment was of the two wearing thick bulgy cloaks. They were bent over a cauldron and the green glow made the picture look wicked. Their features were too hidden to defining them quite right.

The photos brought glares from Daphne and Parvati and weak laughs from others.

_Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown _- the two were giggling over Witch Weekly. The other showed two men wrestling on the floor. While beautiful as women, as men...not so much.

_Geogry Goyle and Vincent Crabbe_ - the two were pounding the snot out of a seventh year. The other showed the two sipping tea delicately.

_Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zanbini _- were throwing ingredients into a potion, not once taking their eyes off each other. The other one had two tall girls ripping through a flower field with desperation.

_"We present to you Battle of the Sexes: Class of 1996!"_ McGavin's voice announced.

On the bottom of the Crystal a name was announced: the List. Episode one was announced.


	2. The List

Yay, another chapter! Let me know if you see any mistakes. I don't own a thing mentioned below. Ask me if your confused. I feel like I left holes in this chapter.

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**Episode One: the List**

Harry Potter woke up to the feeling of dread. Why? He couldn't say. Way to absorbed into making it to the showers, he didn't notice the pink spots on his pants. He made it to the shower without stumbling once, a feat he was proud of. Instead of heading straight to the shower however, he looked into the mirror and shrugged and wet his face.

He froze. Rubbing his eye (which were glasses less) he look into the mirror. And looked. He or as we are going to refer to him as she screamed, very high pitched. Her once short hair was about shoulder's length and very curly. Her beautiful glowing green eyes still glowed but her face held more subtle hints of her father being pureblood. All in all she looked like the child of both Lily and James Potter instead of just James.

She was a girl.

She heard the crashes of the other four boys sprang out of bed to see what was wrong. Harry would like to say he is a calm reasonable young man. However when you find yourself and your supposedly _male _roommates girls well...he was allowed to scream as loud as he, sorry, she wanted.

"AHHHH!!!!!!"

"What the-HOLY SHIT!"

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"You're a girl!"

"So are you!"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Slap!"

"AHHHHHH!!!!"

"STOP! THIS IS GETTING US NOWHERE!" Neville screamed as she tugged her own brown locks. Although he would never admit it, he kind of liked this new body. It was so...pretty.

"Neville is...you are Neville, right?" Harry asked sheepishly. Neville nodded. "Well anyway he-she, whatever is right! There is only one thing we can do at this point!" Harry said forcefully, looking at each and every single one of the former boys.

"Uh, mate where are you going?" Ron asked Harry as Harry started walking out of the bathroom.

"Yeah! What's the one thing we can do?" Dean asked her girlish voice shrill.

"Get dressed then run screaming from the common room for McGonagall." Harry said blushing trying to cover her bare chest.

Harry left the remaining girls blushing about their now realized state. Some things were going to have to take time getting used to.

_Commercial Break_

"Tired of Madam Malkin's dull boring robes? Come by to Lavender's-"

"Hey! Don't fast forward my commercial!"

"Lav, we can watch it any time. Right now we have this show to watch along with the destruction of our lives."

"Fine. Be that way."

_End Commercial Break_

"ALL STUDENTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE GREAT HALL!" a little more loudly the voice of Dumbledore added. "DON'T DO THAT!"

Obviously, whatever happened, Dumbledore didn't think it was too important to reverse the spell he used.

Nearly all the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuff, and younger Gryffindors and Slytherins listened in amazement. "I DIDN'T KNOW!" They heard Dumbledore screech.

Leaving the once proud wizard to his fate...

"I can't believe this!" The now male Hermione screamed as she patted her chest.

"Tell me about it!" Parvati growled. "Just when they were really starting to fill out too." she continued pouting making Hermione flinch.

"Parvati, I love you like a sister but for the love of God don't do that. It's disturbing." A deep, rough voice rumbled that sounded suspiciously like Lavender.

Hermione turned to snap at the other girl...boy and was encountered with the amusing site of man Lavender fighting with her small white cotton night gown that was ripped at the seams at some point. Hermione nearly screamed in horror when she realized that Lavender went to bed wearing a thong.

"Hermione! HERMIONEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Two girls (let's call them girls shall we? Makes things so much less complicated) screamed up the staircase.

Hermione frowned. Where had he heard those voices before?

"Hermione Granger! Get your bloody arse down here!" The deeper of the two voices yelled.

Oh. That's where he heard those voices before.

"Ronald! What have I told you about swearing like that!" Hermione yelled back down - leaving her dorm room. "And why can't you and Harry come up here?" he shouted after a thought or two about the stairs.

Hermione traveled the rest of the way to the staircase and nearly had a heart attack. There were his friends in the Hogwarts' uniform styled with the Gryffindor colors. Blushing, ever so slightly, Hermione could see why the boys always stared at the other fifth years girls when they forgot to where...uh _support_.

A permanent blush now staining his face, he took the stairs two at a time. Hermione blinked in a slow bemused way as the stairs continued to hold the original shape.

"Aw, hell." He heard who Hermione assumed to be Harry mutter as he finally reached the bottom.

"What was that Harry?" Hermione asked rasing an eyebrow.

Now usually when Hermione raised an eyebrow Harry and Ron started to cower. It had even been referred to as the 'Did-You-Just-Do-Something-Against-School-Rules' look by everyone in every House. Hell, it was the only look that made Ron and Harry look abashed anymore. But as I said usually.

"What's so funny?" Hermione snapped at the two giggling girls.

"N-nothing." The red head beauty (as much as it pained Hermione to admit to himself) gasped.

Shaking her head, the black haired beauty looked at Hermione with her big soulful green eyes. He only had a moment to catch his breath but Hermione for the first time realized what most of Hogwarts saw in Harry Potter. And of course why Ron refused to go out with anyone who wasn't part veela. Sure, personalities were fun and smarts were even better but sometimes Hermione could see how looks could make a day brighter.

Promptly, after making this revelation he hit both Harry and Ron with a roping charm.

Leaving our Gryffindor heroines and hero, we lurk to the dark dungeons where the Slytherins make their home. Where order and status means everything, chaos and reversed roles were in play.

"Oh my God!" Pansy screamed in a voice she knew for certain wasn't her's.

Pansy's scream was like the trusty Slytherin alarm. If some Gryffindor (coughtwinscough) were to find and prank the common room Pansy's shriek would resound off the walls. Nearly immediately, the common room was filled with Slytherins of all ages and genders came wands at the ready.

Where the expected they would have to do repairing charms and other spells of the like.

...Well, there was a lot of spell casting and a lot of sobbing and shouting.

Let's leave the Slytherins alone for now. Things often get bloody when one goes to bed in one body and wakes in a different one.

Now, I could go on how the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were also cursed in similar likeness. But McGavin sold those copyrights to "What Really Goes On At Hogwarts" a few years ago. So, I can't tell you that but I can tell you most of the 'Puffs wouldn't leave their common room and the Ravenclaws were scouring the library.

_Commercial Break_

"Sick of the way the animals at the Magical Menagerie are tre-"

"Merlin Hermione! Do you ever take a break?"

"Have you seen the living conditions those animals suffer through?"

"You two shut the hell up. Thomas fast forward."

_End Commercial Break_

The Golden trio shuffled towards the Great Hall in humiliation. Hermione was dressed in Ron's robes since Ron and Harry were wearing Harry's. It was something Harry had always hated the Dursleys and their damn cupboard for. Really, you can't be the Wizarding world's hero if you were only 5"5. It just didn't project the right image.

"I bet you this was prank from the Slytherins!" Ron growled darkly as they fell back through the crowd.

"Er, Ron? Something tells me they had nothing to do with it." Harry said, her eyes wide as she watched a bunch of green wearing, hex throwing students stride by.

"What are you -" Ron stopped and stared at her classmates before sniggering.

The Slytherins looked at the Golden Trio with venom and in some a cool, collected mask of indifference. Hermione pinched the laughing girl before puffing up slightly. The only Potter blushed and started pulling on Ron's sleeve in order to try and shut her up.

She didn't know about Ron but she was really getting tired of blushing. She didn't need to add Slytherins to "The Many Things That Make Me Blush" list. It was long enough damn it!

"Let's just go the Hall, okay?" Hermione begged Ron and Harry misjudging the later's reddening face.

Together, the three managed to make it to the Great Hall without dying of humiliation.

...However the same can't be said for certain Slytherins.

"It was the Gryffindors! I know it!" Pansy muttered, his eyes narrowed and his lips curled into a sneer.

"As if those numbskulls have the brains to pull this off. It was most likely the Ravenclaws for was Daphne did to them last week." Draco scoffed.

"No, that's not possible, we made peace with them Friday." Blaise commented, a frown marring her pretty features.

Leaving the Slytherins, we shall see the younger Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs are making of this...unique situation.

"A galleon says the two houses hexed each other." A smirking Hufflepuff betted a Ravenclaw.

"Moron. It's more likely Hagrid let loose a siren or Snape tried to poison them all and got the bottles mixed up." The Ravenclaw sneered smartly.

_Commercial Break_

"Looking for a familiar? Come to Weasley's Breeding Cen-"

"I still can't believe Percy opened that place up."

"Me either. What could have possessed him?"

"Penelope made him."

"Oh, that explains everything."

"Doesn't it? Hey, Weasley are the men in your family wimps?"

"TAKE THAT-"

"Of course they are. It explains why he co owns a bookstore doesn't it?"

Dumbledore tried to relax in her seat but after the attack this morning...Madame Dumbledore had severely pissed off the whole teaching staff and was now terrified.

"Students, as you see your housemates or even yourself have changed. Do not panic this was all planned. No, this is not an evil plan from the Dark Lord. No, we do not know when you will regain your natural gender body back. Have a nice day in your classes. Further information will be announced as soon as we grab a hold of the ones responsible." Dumbledore said all this as quick as she could and then preceded to ru- swiftly walk from the Great Hall.

Outbreaks of chatter attacked the area. The one thing on everyone's lips was "What happening now?" Being the classmates of Harry Potter (or at least going to school with him), you were always briefed before you stepped out of your common room, "Freaky shit goes on, read ahead about shield and healing charms." So, none of the new changes of appearance were a real surprise. Most people were just concerned about the side effects.

"Let's go you two. We spent too long running around like headless chickens earlier this morning; it's time for Potions." Hermione sighed as Ron looked at her with bulging cheeks and Harry gazed at him with horror.

"I'mf ea'ing." Ron mustered as well as she possibly could.

On the other side of Hermione a crisis was being declared. "Snape's going to never let me live this down. I'mdead.I'mdead.I'mdead.I'mdead.I'mdead.I'mdead." Harry had taken up this mantra while banging her head on the table.

"I swear you two! Get up! Ron, just grab a muffin to take with you! Harry, Professor Snape is a professional; he won't kill you!" Hermione huffed in annoyance. "Up! We are heading to class _now_, end of discussion."

Ron and Harry looked at each other both their faces asking, 'What the hell?' The looked lasted up until Hermione started to breath heavily through his nose, sounding like an angry bull. So, the Trio trooped down to the dungeons for their Potions lesson; where else would such a story start?

Dread in one heart, frustration in another and in the last hunger; we find our heroes in the Classroom. Yes, the Classroom, for it's where Professor Snape handouts out threats of death daily and random explosions occur.

Like now...

"BOOM!"

"Today, we find ourselves in a...new predicament. I will not stand for you miserable wretches belittling your classmates." A soft voice hissed with enough venom to make a basilisk seem harmless. "Today, you will be doing group research on potions I will assign you. Pair yourselves up. If it gets any louder than a whisper in here I will take blood samples from you and turn you into something far worse than the opposite gender!"

Nearly at once, Snape's first potion's class of the day moved tables and formed groups. The class mixed of Slytherins and Gryffindors watched warily as Snape (the Potion Mistress) snarled as she threw the assignments at the many groups.

Many curious eyes followed their Potions Professor back to her desk. Many heads darted down when she started to talk to herself. They didn't want to get caught in the crossfire - this morning had held enough surprises.

_Comemercial Break_

"Are you worried about that special someone who seems to be showing the classic signs of old age? Say no more! Come and drop them off at the Creevy Brothers' Retirement Home!"

"I wish they had existed when we were in school. We could of dropped Dumbles off there."

"Crazy, barmy, senile bastard."

_End Commercial Break_

It was lunch. Thank all that pure and holy for that! Hermione mentally screamed. And thankfully, Dumbledore was making announcements!

"We have found those responsible and there is hope of returning yourselves to you natural bodies." Harry and the rest of the Great Hall felt their stomach drop. "I introduce Aries McGavin!"

The new comer stared and then suddenly smiled at all the students in the Great Hall. "I'm proud to announce your all a part of my new Crystal show! It's Slytherin v.s. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw v.s. Hufflepuff! Well, actually it's boys versus girls! To make quick work of the rules, your team and yourself must complete a list! The winning team is changed back into their gender however the losing team must remain the opposite gender for their remaing duration at Hogwarts! Here's the pamphlet on the rules and the list itself." Smiling coyly, McGavin continued. "Have funny kiddies."

With those world ripping words, McGavin portkeyed out before anyone could get their bearing. In fear, Harry reached for the pamphlet.

Rules:

Girls and Boys may not work together.  
Outside parties are frowned upon but not against the rules.  
Seeking to reverse the Gender Bending Potion itself is highly against the rules and will result in a Charms Mistress making the changes permanent.  
No sharing your team list to the other team.

The List:

Wear proper specified gender clothing.  
Crash a Muggle Party  
Seduce a well renowned business man.  
Convince the police you're willing to give them secret top secret photos.  
Steal a pink diamond. - Without getting caught.  
Re-act Snow White.  
Dance on the Professors' Table at dinner.  
Fail a sobriety test. Without drinking.  
Receive a DUI without touching a car or drinking.  
Be arrested by security guards at a mall.  
Make a Hufflepuff punch someone.  
Convince a Ravenclaw that the library is burning down.  
Call the first years fresh meat then proceed to introduce them to the Forbidden Forest.  
Tell people the Forbidden Forest is only Forbidden because that's where Dumbledore gets his lemon drops.  
Steal Dumbledore's lemon drop and replace them with a different muggle candy.  
Rush through the halls singing with flowers in your hair.  
Offer to trade a sexual favor for a good grade in Potions.  
Become a model.  
Ask Madam Hooch if she's a were-falcon.  
Talk to a reporter about how you just know so and so is so whatever.  
Fail CoMC.  
Kick Hagrid and tell him for all the stunts his pulled he's lucky it's not worse.  
Walk on Hogwarts ceiling.  
Jump off the Hogwarts stairs like a suicide jumper.  
Kiss everyone who walks through the door at exactly 7:39 p.m. on Thursday for every Thursday.  
Hold a tea party just for the Hufflepuffs.  
Steal the Slytherin flag during lunch.  
Tell Professor T. that you just had a vision...she's going to win the lottery in Vegas.  
Make an army of some type of cute furry animal.  
Kiss your enemy's female or male guardian.  
Do something common but illegal.  
Be the first to break the 'Marauders' prank record from all seven of their Hogwarts' years in a month.  
Tell a first year Ravenclaw muggleborn the reason he/she is a witch/wizard is because their mother was having an affair, so really they're a half blood.  
Try and warm up the dungeons.  
Make up a new House.  
Crash a wedding.  
Become the next big thing.  
Get your marriage annulled.  
Break five federal laws.

Harry felt like crying.

_"And so ends Episode One: the List! Next episode is Episode Two: the Feuding Armies! Wherein the two teams meet and move on with each other!"_


	3. the Feuding Armies

Ha! I got another one up! As some of you will realize - this isn't exactly compliant with any of the recent books. There is a reason for this - mainly I'm writing this for _me_. But I would be really happy to correct any mistakes you may see. I've read through this a few dozens times and I still find mistakes so if you'd _nicely_ let me know I'll correct them.

On a side note, pairings will be random and there may be **slash** and other such stuff but this is mainly written for the humor and _romance won't be a huge thing_.

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**Episode Two: the Feuding Armies**

Draco Malfoy was in one word _pissed_. The former Slytherin girls were moving out of the dungeons and going to meet in the Gryffindor Tower which meant only one thing: the former Gryffindor boys were coming down here. The one place every Slytherin had come to think of as a sanctuary was going to be tainted by Gryffindors. Draco snorted and crossed her arms. Inconsiderate assholes.

She watched the boys leave completely before turning her attention to the gold and red patch wearing girls. The five girls were standing as close as possible together while staring at the green and silver room as if it were the bane of their existence. Which being Gryffindors, Draco really wouldn't put it past them to think so.

The blonde girl motioned for Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini and Nott to come stand by her. If they Gryffindors wanted to do a huddle she would too. With a shocking amount of distaste appearing on her face, she realized they had the same number of girls. Usually it felt as if they both had so much more people.

The blonde braided hair girl took a step forward from her group and was mirrored by the Gryffindors after many pointed looks and jerking heads. Weasley, Draco grimaced, stepped forward with her fists clenched tight. To put it simply the two groups looked as if they were going to kill each other. With Draco and Ron to lead them.

The real funny thing was that they weren't going to be staying in the Slytherin dorms. They were just meeting there. Their rooms were even further into the dungeons. Dumbledore wanted those who were being forced to do the show to be separated from the rest of the school. So, the teams got their own rooms.

"Are you packed?" Draco asked coolly.

Ron quickly sneered, "We wouldn't be here if we weren't."

The ten girls grabbed what things they hadn't managed to shrink and left the common room.

**Commercial Break**

_"Sick of how your potion making is killing your hair and skin cells? Say no more with Pansy Panacea products you will have that damage fixed in no time!"_

"I still can't believe Snape didn't kill you for making that."

"What can he do? I'm out of school."

"But you made that formula while you were in school."

"...So?"

"You even said you made it just for him on graduation day!"

"Oh yeah..."

"Guys? Focus."

**End Commercial Break**

Pansy was almost sure of it. He was going to kill somebody. Namely a certain Gryffindor who seemed intent on decorating everything in neon pink.

"I understand you _Gryffs_ are color blind and have extremely bad taste, but must you make the rest of us suffer as well?" Pansy asked, glaring at Parvati.

"I'm sorry if I feel as if I need to remind myself I am a woman." Parvati sniffed.

"Parv, you do know they're other ways to remind yourself, right? It does have to be so...vibrant." Lavender tried to tell his best friend gently.

"What she, er _he_ means is it does haven't to look like the Weasley twins came rampaging through here." Millicent told Parvati bluntly.

Hermione sighed when Parvati burst into tears. The six of them were going to kill each other. There was no doubt about it. Especially after he mentioned that they all had to share a room and a bathroom which was only meant to serve three people at a _time_.

This was probably the Dark Lord's most ingenious plan yet...if he did come up with it. Which considering it, isn't very likely.

"This is going be fun, isn't it?" Daphne Greengrass asked dryly, his eyes rolled upwards as if he was asking a higher force.

"The good thing is the boys erm, girls hate each other so even if we do fight we're granted to win." Hermione said as his eyes watched Lavender and Pansy start to fight on what the color scheme should be.

Back to the face off...

"Longbottom, what the hell do you think your doing?" Draco demanded as she saw the brown haired girl unpack a plant.

"...Putting a plant here?" Neville squeaked.

"No, no your not." Draco told her while picking the plant back up.

"Malfoy, leave Neville alone." Harry demanded of the other girl firmly.

"Who's going to make me? You? Your even more pathetic now." Draco told the curly haired girl mockingly.

"Oi, shut the hell up Malfoy!" Ron surged, cheeks red with anger.

Goyle and Crabbe quickly moved forward when it looked as if Ron was going to lunge.

"You do know at this rate the girls are going to win." Blaise drawled.

"Boys technically." Harry quipped cheekily.

"Potter?" Theodore called.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Hey...that wasn't very nice." Harry pouted.

"Sorry, Harry forgot to take his meds today." Dean informed them.

"What? Is it pick on Harry day?" Harry asked scowling darkly at the four girls who were picking on her.

**Commercial Break**

"I forgot that conversation."

"I didn't. Plant killer."

"_Are you plants unordinary and drab? Look no further! Come to Longbottom's Greenthumb!"_

"Wouldn't be easier just to teach those morons how to not kill their plants?"

"Yes, but some people just aren't meant to have plants."

**End Commercial Break**

A brief tussle later and we find our lovely groups staring at the Great Hall in anger. Not only did they separate them from their Tower and Dungeons but also from eating with their friends!

"We have to eat separately too?" Dean asked, twitching. Yep, it kind of sucked for the Gryffindors and Slytherins who dated only their opposite gendered housemates.

The Hall was oddly silent. You could hear forks, spoons and knifes scrapping against plates and bowls, which for Hogwarts was way out of the norm. The glares were almost visible as the entire Hall seemed divided.

We're going to fast forward a bit so we can push the plot along. Who really wants to hear about how Goyle put Ron into a headlock and the only way for her to out was for Harry to declare she was madly in love with Theodore Nott (who turned an odd red). Or about how Pansy and Lavender were discussing how to take over the world. I'm mean really. Who finds that interesting?

"What's the first item on the list...Weasley?" Draco sniffed.

"Wear proper specified gender clothing." Ron snarled, before continuing more unsurely. "What does that mean?"

"You've got to be kidding me." Blaise muttered.

"It means, Ron, we have to go shopping for girl clothes." Seamus informed Ron.

The rest of the Gryffindors sat there blankly as if they thought hadn't processed. The Slytherins on the other hand were staring at each other and shuddering. Girls clothes tended to be pink and frilly...ew.

**Commercial Break**

_"Expecting a new member to the family? Come down to Paddie's Pram!"_

"I still can't believe you opened that place."

"Blaise told me I couldn't so I did. Bet you're feeling dumb now, huh, Blaise!"

"I still can't believe you did it. What did your boyfriend think?"

"I thought that it was a good idea. There just isn't enough stores dedicated to children."

"You just enjoy seeing him act like a mother hen."

"That too."

**End Commercial Break**

"Oh my God."

That statement seemed to sum up how all the boys turned girls felt. They were at Madam V's (way different from Madam Malkin's store) with the Lady Malfoy and Mrs. Thomas. No, this was not a normal occurrence but desperate times called for desperate measures! Regardless to the fact Mrs. Thomas and the Lady Malfoy seemed to be growling at each and throwing hidden (or at least that's what they thought) barbs at each other.

"Now, Seamus dear, this would look adorable on you!" Mrs. Thomas exclaimed, holding up a piece of clothing to the Irish girl.

"If you don't mind being seen by the public as a peon." Lady Malfoy sniffed, her eyes mocking.

Harry peered around the two fighting women to look at what Mrs. Thomas was holding up. She winced. No offense against Mrs. Thomas, but Lady Malfoy was right. The clothing was brown and worn looking and to be honest - it didn't look fit for anyone to wear! It was see through!

"It's the latest fashion among young witches and muggle girls." Mrs. Thomas countered Lady Malfoy smoothly.

Harry could now see why all the girls around were crazy. They had to wear things like...like THAT!

"Muggles aren't known for being the brightest, _Capolla_. These are young witches - the best society has to offer." Lady Malfoy sniffed, glaring down at the see through brown shirt.

Even though they weren't really _girls_.

"Well, Narcissa, why don't you show me what these young witches should be wearing." Mrs. Thomas sneered.

The ten girls watched the tennis match with great interest. The two mothers seemed not to have noticed that each girl had picked out dresses, shirts, skirts and undergarments. Sure, Madam V's store had scared the living hell out of them at first but that just meant that they had shopped quicker.

"Those robes? What, are you still living in the thirteenth century?" Mrs. Thomas snapped.

As horrible as it made Harry feel, Lady Malfoy's choice of clothes were much better than Mrs. Thomas's. The robes were made of blue silk and were layered - the shortest layer went up to the knee. Yep, much more decent and fashionable but not by much.

"Mother, we still need to go and get our school uniform." Draco drawled.

The two women snapped their attention to the Malfoy heir before huffing and leaving the store. The girls looked at each other in misery. Parents.

**Commercial Break**

_"Madam V's has everything from robes for special occasions to nightwear for that special someone. Come on down for the spring sale. Twenty percent down on all items."_

"That place still gives me nightmares."

"So I'm not the only one who has nightmares about pink lingerie?"

"What?"

"Nothing you need to know about Pan."

"Oh! This is a story you have to tell!"

"Over my dead body!"

"Seamus, why did you have to bring it up?"

**End Commercial Break**

"Can we get this?" Pansy asked, his bottom lip trembling.

"No! That is highly improper for a young wizard to wear!" Mr. Weasley responded speedily as Baron Nott twitched.

"And Parkison, please stop with the lip quivering. It is highly disturbing." Baron Nott glared at the boy. The rest of the boys cowered.

"But-"

"It's pink and has far too much lace for a wizard." Baron Nott told her coldly.

"But I'm a witch!"

Mr. Weasley sighed and figured he'd just give up the good fight of ensuring the girls turned boys didn't dress too...girly. Instead, he decided to smile at everyone giving them odd looks as the boys fought among themselves about what to wear. He couldn't help but thank God Molly took care of Ginny and her shopping.

This was scary.

**Commercial Break**

"That was a very short-"

_"One wand maker is about to discover that love and life can be achieved in one moment. But in the end will he chose his Veela bride or the misunderstood nix?"_

"That movie sucks."

"How do you know?"

"Because I catered the cast on more than one occasion."

**End Commercial Break**

"I'm not wearing this in public." Ron said bluntly.

"Me either." Seamus chimed.

"We have to you numb skulls! Do you want to be stuck as a girl for the next few years?" Draco asked them dryly, also staring at the mirror in distaste.

"It's kind of pretty." Neville commented, twirling around.

"Longbottom? Shut the hell up." Theo snapped.

The ten girls were in front of wall to wall mirrors. They all more less were wearing the same thing (namely Draco said he wasn't going to be the only one caught in a dress even though it was a skirt). The Hogwarts girls' uniform was a white blouse and a grey skirt with knee high socks. The grey skirts, the girls sadly decided did not look good on them at all. But the most important thing on everyone's mind was: where was all the black?

Flashing to the boys...

"These are really comfortable."

"Yeah, I don't get why we have to wear skirts!"

"Sexist bastards."

* * *

_Next on Battle of the Sexes: Hogwarts Style - Episode Three: Coping with Outside Influences! Raves, drugs and alcohol all around - oh, wait a minute! What! _


End file.
